A brand new year! It’s about TIME, dangit.
While I enjoyed seeing family for Christmas, the holidays had this dense fog of sadness hovering over me. There were a couple days in there where I couldn’t stop crying. Every thought and reminder of my dad would make my eyes start to well up with tears. It didn’t help that I had been suffering from cedar/mold/change of weather for weeks and couldn’t breathe to begin with.
The last week of the year, my oldest sister managed to find an old voicemail my dad left for her. He was just checking in from when he and Mom went on a trip in 2014 and letting her know where they were. I missed his voice so much. I was a mess for hours. This was definitely a big wave of grief that knocked the wind out of me and left me disoriented and lost.
By the time New Year’s Eve rolled around, I had this strong urge to “destroy something beautiful,” according to Fight Club. My husband wanted to burn 2015 calendars, which would’ve required that we purchase paper calendars. What we could’ve done was bought fireworks like every teenager in our neighborhood and shot off artillery shells late into the night. That might have been enough of a release for us. (Instead, we were boring parents and watched a PBS documentary while I ate chocolate.)
But 2016 is finally here. We closed the chapter on quite possibly the worst year of our lives. It was a transitional year. One moment, I was working in advertising. Another moment, I unemployed. One moment, my husband had his mom. Another moment, she was gone. One moment, everyone was healthy. Another moment, there was a tumor (x3, including friends). One moment, I wished Dad happy birthday. Another moment, he was gone.
The circle of life keeps happening, whether we want it to or not. And there’s really not much more we can do about it than to hold on to dear life and be in the NOW. Sad, happy, accomplished, disappointed, hungry, full… it will keep changing and it will keep happening. Nothing in life is permanent, and we can only continue to ride the waves as they come at us.
So in this much-needed new year, I’m going to learn to ride the waves. I may slump to the floor like the awesome polyurethane sculpture I saw at the Blanton Museum the other day, and if eating a bucket of ice cream by myself is called for, that’s what I’ll do. I may also learn to climb, scare the pants off of myself, explore new roads, experience new elements of parenting, fumble, flail, rejoice, get a tattoo (?), and uh… who knows.
2016 is feeling pretty wide open right now.